Sunday, February 13, 2011

A Time of Soul-Searching

If you've read my first post, you may've noticed a tiny bit of it which said something along the lines of "I am Synthetik's Slave/Submissive (I'm trying to figure out exactly which one at the moment)".

So, basically, I was doing a bit of looking deep into myself to figure out which one applied to me more. I'm the type that I don't like to describe myself as something, only to find that I am not exactly that certain something and have to retract it. That, and I definitely don't want to be seen as a "poser" or "wannabe" or anything.

Much thinking ensued. I asked around about it, and read too. On I found a post regarding the Submissive vs. Slave debate said, basically, that a slave would sort of take on the limits of the Master, that got me to thinking, "What are Synthetik's limits?". So, I found a BDSM Checklist online and we went down the list, one by one, to see what things he was into (and after he answered, I would tell him my opinion on it). He and I were both 100% honest on everything, like a sort of kinky heart-to-heart.

For a few things, I pretty much summarized what the BDSM category is, since I didn't know if he exactly knew what certain things were, seeing as we are still a fairly young couple, he being 22, and I 20 years old. Even I had to look some things up, lol.

Some things, like anal play, was a given (Of course! lol). But I was surprised.

Not only did I find that he and I actually had generally the same limits, with me pretty much willing to do all the things he liked, and even a few he wasn't into, I learned a couple things about him that I never knew.


We were going down the list, and one of the first few categories was Age Play. Here's what I typed to him:

"Age Play (Not Pedophilia) : a form of role-playing in which an individual acts or treats another as if they were a different age. For example: Daddy/Little Girl roles."

Personally, I really liked the thought of a Daddy/Little Girl sort of arrangement with him. He and I do tend to sort of "Baby Talk" I guess you could say. Example, I'd say to him: "I lovies you always my Squishyful, I wants to snuggles up wifs you alot-alot and gives you lots of kissies and huggles.". 

Part of me wondered if he was into it, too. I do remember one time while we were having sex, he said something along the lines of, "Yeah, you like being fucked by Daddy's big cock, don't you?..." which turned me on *immensely* (granted, I know some people who do Age Play don't have sex while in, say Daddy/Little Girl roles, but still).

However, after that, I never heard him say it again, and I thought maybe he had said it on accident, didn't like it as much as he thought he would, or something.

But after I typed the bit on Age Play, he didn't type anything for a few minutes, which kind of made me wonder what was going through his head. I figured he was thinking it over or looking it up some more, so I waited.

Here's the typed exchange we had (it's paraphrased, since I can't remember what was exactly written, and since unfortunately WoW doesn't keep Chat Logs that are accessible to players)

Synthetik: "So it's not pedophilia?"

Me: "Nope, not at all. No kids are involved. It would be just you and me."

Synthetik: "That'd be like you calling me 'Daddy', right?"

Me: "Yep, basically. And sort of being in a younger mindset / acting younger than I actually am. And being your Little Girl"

[Little pause]

Synthetik: "I could do that. In all honesty (and not in a Pedobear sort of way) I have thought that it'd be hot for you to call me Daddy while I pound* you"

(*Pound as in, well, pounding my pussy / fucking me, it's not like he's punching me out or something, lol. Goodness, he's really, really strong, I'd imagine it'd be like being hit by a truck)

To be honest, I was ecstatic. I still don't know how deep into it he is or wants to be (I do know he is not into me wearing diapers and all, so not quite that deep, per se), but still, being able to explore my inner child with Synthetik is amazing. It was honestly so worth it to "Play 20 Questions (BDSM edition)" with him, though it was more like 200 questions, lol, since there were that many categories on the list.

Being able to express the Little Girl in me, and knowing there is a Daddy in him is honestly like at the very, very beginning of our relationship when I told him that I was submissive and into BDSM and I found out that, unlike what I worried, he didn't run away screaming from me, and he was into it as well. /Happy sigh

Speaking of which, I got onto a tangent, lol. Anywho, back to the Submissive vs. Slave part.


As mentioned before, I learned that literally everything he was into that was on that list, I was into it as well, or at least willing to try it. There were even a few things he wasn't exactly turned on by, like for example: forced lactation or diapers, that I wouldn't mind trying, if ever he wanted to (especially forced lactation, lol).

After all that, it still took me another article on the Submissive Guide website by Rayne to figure out what I am.

It said this:

"So what’s a sub? That’s where it gets tricky. Because the line between sub and slave is rather fine and blurs a lot. People often use “submissive” and “slave” interchangeably. But they are not the same thing.

A sub is someone who still retains some control, but is in service to someone else. They have the right to say no and walk away at any time. They have a safe word. They have limits. They’re not owned.

An article I read recently described it best when it said “A submissive is a volunteer. A slave is not.”

A slave is owned. That’s probably the only constant. Some slaves have safe words. Some do not. Some slaves have negotiated limits. Some do not. Some slaves have submissive personalities. Some are only submissive with the one who owns them. Some slaves have given up their right to leave, or consented to having it taken from them. Some retain the right to walk out the door whenever they choose.

Legally, we all have that right. Some of us just choose not to acknowledge it."

Suddenly, the clouds opened up and there was a ray of Moonlight that surrounded my form. Magical butterflies flew around me with trailing... trails of glittery stuff as the realization came to me of what I am....

Okay, so it didn't exactly happen like that, and I said Moonlight because my skin burns badly in the Sun, but still, with that and all that I learned from the "Kinky 200 Questions" I knew what I was.

I am....

Synthetik's Slave :)

... and his Little Girl :)

Persephone Nightmare

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